I am here

Gutted & disemboweled are words I can physically feel. Somehow the deconstruction of my insides requires I purge words onto paper in order to decongest the intimate association with the torment of embodied lack of control. Finding spiked comfort within my veins. The conflicting appearance of life generating from heartbeats remains a fallacy mirrored by echoes of memories translated into long forgotten languages. Buried in the dead sea scrolls covered within the pit of my original sin.

Hoisted upon me before I took my first breath I’ve shouldered the weighted responsibility of the generations who came before me. Full of hope only to be governed by saturated molecules of judgment and guilt. They are forced fed scripts written on their souls by the corrupt choices made on their behalf. Unwitting cast members on a stage performing for empty audience. Listening for the final curtain call. Without intermission I circle back to my compromised DNA. Yearning for the curative stem cells to free myself of the shadow imposter’s legacy over my existence. I turn around to face the sun with laser precision. Layers of epidermis burnt away in order to afford the growth of healed valor to cover my entire being. Leaving me to question what about my innards?

Is the Civil War finally over can I actually be paid my reparations? I deserve a dream to manifest a new reality. Do I dare declare let freedom ring or does the darkened realization sink in. As a greedy barely pumping embolism waiting in the wings offstage ready to implode. I feel the peeling away of the mask which will embolden a new vision declaring my own beauty. Profiting from the completed work I’ve done to reconstruct the very foundation of who I am. Making the choice, I whimsically enjoy the layers of new concrete architecture designed by my therapeutic craftsmanship. The grand scope continues to be unveiled seeing through saltwater stained glasses. Weeping aloud to the heavens above begging to trade shame, guilt, and self loathing for the return of a sun filled soul. I repeat the prayer I am here, I am here.

Review on my 55th

My life includes being a survivor of many trauma related events. Throughout the span of my 55 years on earth I’ve had well over a dozen reparative surgeries. Most of these occurred durning my childhood and adolescence. I learned early on I was “different”. As I got into my teenage years I learned how to self medicate with copious amounts of drugs. This lead me down a dark, lonely, dangerous path. Until at the age of 19 I was sexually assaulted by two drug dealers in the South Bronx, NY. That secret remained dormant & practically forgotten for years. How could any man share this type of experience. In addition, I believed it was my own fault for putting myself in this situation. My self hate was so much stronger than any level of self care. When I turned 21 I was on my way to becoming a father for the first time. That was until my daughter died the same day she was born at full term. Many years later I eventually came out of the closet to embrace my sexuality. Due to poor sense of self I eventually fell in love and married the monster of my dreams. I stayed with my ex-husband as a means to continue the narrative I was worthless. He used my love as a weapon to destroy any ounce of self-esteem. He reinforced my fragile state of mind through manipulative influence, as most abusers do. I believed I could fix the situation if I was a better husband and he would love me. Instead close to ten years I endured undercurrents of mental, sexual, emotional, financial, and at times physical abuse. I begged God to help me hit my bottom. After years of intense psychotherapy I broke free and slowly became my own person. However, sweeping 40 years of traumatic events under the rug finally caught up to me. In 2017 at age 48 my brain function literally shattered. I had what some would call a psychotic break which lead me to trying to end my life. Fortunately I physically survived but mentally I felt broken. I remember thinking of my son and even my daughter in Heaven. I believe I was put on this earth to make a difference. Her death would not be in vein and his life would not be lived without me by his side. I found the courage to make the choice to live instead of simply existing. I built a therapeutic team to assist me on my road of recovery. I had five various specialists holding me accountable, propping me up, educating me, co-creating an environment which afforded me the support and trust in myself and others for the first time ever. Seven years later I’m still recovering. I do have a smaller team now because I finally have more of me. I’ve taken up the carpeting, swept out the clutter, and laid a new foundation. I continue to do the “work” it takes to stand tall with an open heart and curious mind. I can honestly say I fell in love with me.

Owning the Positive

It’s far too easy writing about the tormented shadows of death & despair. The hauntings of cracked roads frequently travelled following a fractured compass. Wandering directionless yet guided by wounds inflicted by the damaged deranged ghosts of the past. Slipping through the barbed wire attempting to crawl through the fox holes crevassed within my so called “broken mind”. Corrupted by the stench imbedded in the echoes of lingering traumas.
With 20/20 vision I can remember my faithful neglected companion’s breath which empowers me to make love usurp the role of narrator. Feeling my way through the misty shores of my thriving heart. Soul surfing the rhythms of my crystal lined center I float upon the words decorated with bedazzled syllables.
I continue to shred the unforgettable first 55 chapters. Now used as confetti to celebrate the passing parade that is my life. As I marshal towards the presence of today, I securely gaze upon the lightness of nothing. Occasionally distracted by the imaginary echoes radiating off crumbled ruins of once power filled structures. In the moment they’ve become simple passing glimpses left in the hands of curious emotional archeologists.
My eyes are drawn toward the vision of new landscapes. Bathing my blistered feet in the reflective purity of the surrounding healing waters of today. Planting my whole self within the Garden of Eden of the here and now. Knowing we’ve arrived, my breath & I, HOME.

Wishing on a star

Ok fans of The Witches of Eastwick/Practical Magic,
I’m conjuring a partner and could use your input. Here is a list of attributes I’d like them to possess without any absolutes I am definitely open to whomever the universe chooses to send my way. Btw these are in no particular order. Feel free to add supportive ideas in the comments:

Common physical attraction to one another
Creative
Healthy enough to be around to grow old together
Loves physical touch
Leaves little love notes for me
Open communicator even in the tough moments
Never abusive
Offers kindness to strangers
Committed to their own growth as well as our relationships
Enjoys food including my cooking and also loves cooking for me/us
Enjoys surprising me such as a last minute concert to my favorite artist
Shares their obscure tastes in art, music, literature. Has a poetic heart song
Swoop me away on vacation since they love to travel
Would build me a tree house or She Shed
Take me to a remote bar to hear their favorite indie artist
Musically inclined to play a instrument
Enjoys the quiet moments
Stares at me once in a while and gets caught as we kiss while goofy laugher ensues
Has a delightfully fun and respectful connection with my family
Will propose to me in a way that shows exactly how well tuned they are to me
Overly financially stable
Finds the humor in themselves
May sing off key but loves to anyway
Monogamous
Willing to teach me anything as well as open to learning from me
If they have a family they are kind to one another and welcoming of me/us
Encourages me and themselves to be healthier versions of ourselves on multi levels
Enjoys animals
Treats me as an equal
Maybe speaks another language or two
Funny as heck
Enjoys their alone time while celebrating mine
Similar political views without being overboard
Thrives when giving back to the community
Understands their love language
Not a fan of smoking
If they drink only to enhance their meal without the need or desire to get drunk
Can build a solid campfire and tent
Massive survival skills even in a zombie apocalypse
A spiritual being enjoying their human experience
Celebrates my past without judgement
Their heart lights up around children
May or may not be a parent
Steals my tee shirts once in a while
Wants the best for me forever
Will always be a fierce protector
Willing to allow me to surrender my love to them while holding it like the gift it is
Be my bestest friend

🙌🏼Blessed Be Make it So 🙌🏼

Lesson Learned

I want to share an important lesson I was reminded of this week. The other evening I was at Penn Station coming off a 14hr day. I was a bit out of it and really just wanted to get on the train. I was early and the track was not posted. I crankily stumbled up to the help desk and said to the woman, “do you know what track the train to Long Beach will be on” she looked up to me with almost hurt in her eyes and said, “good evening and how are you” as she shook her head in disappointment. It was in that moment I realize how rude and inconsiderate my approach was. I immediately attempted to reframe my question however it was too late. She gave me my information and rolled her cart into the office still shaking her head. Wow, I was left shocked in myself. I felt badly that I was not present enough as I interacted with this fellow human being. The combination of my exhaustion and this woman’s reaction brought up sadness in my heart. I realize I am only human and I let myself off the hook after a while however, I really believed there was a wrong that needed to be made right in my karmic field. Days went by and I didn’t see her again. Basically because the time of day I travel normally the customer service people are not out yet. Finally Friday evening I saw her across the station. I went up to her and said, ” good evening my name is Johnathan and I owe you an apology. The other evening I was rude to you and inconsiderate. That is not who I am regularly and I hope you can forgive me.” She looked at me as if I was a wacko, lol. I do not believe she remembered me. She was quiet for a moment. She looked down and then looked up. In that moment I saw tears in her eyes. She said, ” in all her years of doing this work and the 1000s of people I have interacted with no one has ever done what I did tonight. Your apology in accepted with an open heart.” She shook my hand and thanked me in return. When I walked away I didn’t feel a huge boost to my ego I simply felt at peace with the knowledge I offered this person the respect and dignity they deserved. Being present is such an ongoing daily, hourly, and moment by moment practice. I encourage myself and everyone else to be mindful how each and every interaction we have with others leaves an imprint in them and us.

I am love

I woke up this morning with clarity in my heart. I own the gift of having had an amazing true love in this lifetime. It’s been so easy to focus on what I don’t have being single for sooo many years. I lost sight of celebrating the love I have had which has helped me be an exponentially more insightful version of myself. Regardless of timing and storylines I loved in its purest form and was loved back. That continues to live and breathe within me. It’s one of the best gifts the universe could remind me of. My heart, soul, & personality where changed the moment this person was brave enough to step into my world. The magic I’m just now beginning to understand is that seedling of pure innocence continues to bloom. I just needed to take the time to recognize its true beauty. Beyond any silliness of ego or social conditioning it’s forever mine. Wherever the road takes me in the future is irrelevant to where I am in the here & now. I am full of love.

Stupid

WARNING ⚠️ Post does contain triggers ⚠️

Today I was sitting by the ocean thinking

I began remembering how difficult elementary, middle, & high school were for me. There are lots of reasons a kid like me embodied the definition of low self esteem. Not that I or many people back then knew that language. I just knew I was different than most of my classmates. They seemed to “get it” with a lot less stress than I was feeling. Most everyday of school I prayed the world would swallow me up so I didn’t have to face the pain of feeling “STUPID”. It was the only outcome that made sense to me at the time. I don’t even know how I squeaked by for almost 12 years. Before high school I was convinced my family paid huge donations to the church that housed my school. The emotional, physical, & psychological pain I carried on my back as a stupid kid clouded me with shame.
Then I get to high school where the chains were off and I got a bit too cocky with my quest to be swallowed up to avoid looking in the stupid mirror. I worked that system like a safe cracker. Always attempting to game the it and everyone around to keep myself just above the standards long enough to graduate.
Little did I know some of my new tools of avoidance came with lots of negative side effects. Hiding behind drugs and drinking were the most unreliable means to achieve any kind of success. Then there was the falling in love angle where I tried to avoid my stupidity and simply live in love.
Eventually the curtain was ripped out of my love drugged hands and I was caught. It was either come back for morning classes another year or drop out!
F*ck it everyone else was gone and it was only a matter of time for me so I took the easiest way to get swallowed up by life, I dropped out. Still in love and yes a nasty drug habit.
Not too long after I got my GED and began washing pots on a corporate kitchen. Now I was forevermore free of education. I lived for love and getting high which I did my best to keep mutually exclusive.
That all changed the night of a very lonely desperate drug run when I was sexually assaulted by the dealer. That was then end of my midnight runs. I wasn’t even smart enough to keep myself safe.
A year later my baby girl died. Again another sign that I was so worthless God wouldn’t let me have a child.
Fortunately the following year my son was born and a glimmer of light turned on in my wacky brain.
I knew now I had to step up to provide for my family. I knew about food so I went into the fast food restaurant business as an assistant manager. I worked in various kitchens for a number of years. While I spent more time with my boy loving, playing, and even teaching him. It dawned on me that maybe I’m not so stupid because this gorgeous human being was developing. True it takes a village which thank goodness we had.
I decided to try my hand a WasteChester Community College. The nickname because anyone could get in.
I went to the admissions meeting and the counselor looked at me and my academic history. She said maybe you’re better off in a trade school. It just seems you’re not smart enough for college level work why waste everyone’s time and money.
The world finally caught up and swallowed me whole. Shame, guilt, disgust, & stupidity flooded every part of me.
This was the first time in 25 years someone other than me agreed I was stupid.
I drove home a failure even before I began. I get in and my son says, daddy go to school? In that moment looking at his stunning milk chocolate brown eyes I was hit with divine intervention. I said yes I’m going to school.
The next day I enrolled in junior college. I had to take my fair share of remedial no credit classes but at least I was there. Fast forward eight years I’m collecting my Masters Degree in Social Work from Fordham University. In between I also graduated from two year undergraduate school with honors. I later received my NYS License in Clinical Social Work.
Twenty years after that I graduated from culinary school to fulfill a life long dream.
The moral of this story is unless the voices inside and out aren’t supporting you to be the VERY BEST version of yourself. Question why and seek out positivity. Remember most of all stupid is a stupid word. ✌🏼

Grow in Kindness

I woke up with a fever in my fingers to share words with whomever their sense of being resonates with them. Little over two weeks ago I turned 54. I’m slightly shocked my existence is related to that number. Considering all my experiences I feel I’ve lived many lifetimes. I could smile at that statement yet I type these words with the most sincerity. Some spiritualist would say I chose this journey prior to entering my beloved mother’s womb. Others may say God placed me here. Yet there are folks who believe I’m part of an amoebas on going evolution. Parts of my story lend itself to be a mix of various opinions to my origins. I guess what’s really important is I’m here.

Going back to my story I do believe I am a Land Star/Earth Angel derived from one unconditionally loving Source. In addition, I do believe I am a spiritual being having a human experience. Along the course of my travels I’ve gained & lost knowledge. Despite the overall neglect I & others put my mind/body through, they have both served me exceptionally well. My deep appreciation for this truth is only six years old. You see in 2017 all that I am appeared to shatter. This left me to take steps toward leaving this world prematurely. Bypassing the full spectrum of details I’ll agree to share, I am overwhelmingly grateful I’m still here.

My motivation to put thoughts to paper this morning is the realization we as a global community deserve to grow in kindness. If we open our hearts this may give wings to our voices. Finally maybe we will be able to not only hear one another, we may actually listen.
Humanity has given away its power for the sake of a false sense of control. Each & every one of us deserves their own universal piece of real estate. We can achieve harmony while coexisting. Embracing self care will save our lives & self love will save our souls. I believe in the importance of prayer which I offer all of us daily. We are enough

Return to Self Love

I thought I saw you the other day. My heart swelled with love & delight for the first time in over 14 years. The world stopped on its axis with my breath stolen by an angelic gob-smack. A genuine smile hugged my lips. My vision became a more vivid shade of beauty. Up until that moment I hadn’t experienced time travel however, being in that moment transported me back to a time long ago. A place of existence when I swam within the depths of such purity of love. An unbridled potential which fed me daily. The brilliance of Heaven danced within my soul’s self. The surround sound of exponential beauty echoed throughout the chambers of my heart. There I was embodying the very instant I dove into the center of love. As I emerged breathlessly out of the womb my whole being snapped into clarity.

This immersive bubble of love I was floating in had NOTHING to do with you. In the now I was celebrating the reflections of myself. The universal kaleidoscope came into undeniable sight of a visionary. The grand love I thought was once co~created between us was always a projection of mine. Our relationship was a hollow vessel occupying ten years of misplaced devotion. The circle of true love I attempted to force into a misshapen square.

The deepest, most sensual, delicate, fierce, creative, powerful aspects of who I am have always been mine & mine alone. I was never meant never to be owned. You were a mere slumlord taking advantage of the actual lease holder. Your existence was a simple caricature of how wounded I was. So willing to be saved I held the stove while ignoring the stench of burnt flesh.

The brilliance of knowing which swept over me when I thought I saw you the other day became a nirvana. Like the birth of a new star my universe stretched even further with the expansion of self love that remains within me & for me. Then, now, and forever.

Introduction to my Social Justice

TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ A person who is more like a brother to me once said, “be careful what you put on the internet” He was sharing out of love & protection for me. In the past I would share pretty deep aspects of my life. In order to raise awareness for Domestic Violence and to promote my own healing. I’ve since cut back tremendously on such intimate details. However, today I need to share. I was sitting in my local Starbucks reading with headphones on. I look up to see what seemed to be a young female/male couple arguing. The young lady had spilled her coffee(just a littlest) on the table and was attempting to clean it. The guy was getting increasingly frustrated with the situation. I slid my earphones off and heard him called her a stupid bitch. She bowed her head as he finished cleaning up. Once done he threw the bunch of napkins at her. This was a moment of blind rage when I shouted, “Hey you don’t fucking treat her like that, throw that shit in the garbage.” I sat with a death stare and the kid eventually got up to put them in the garbage and went to the bathroom. I simply informed the young lady she deserved better than that. I gave her the name of a DV agency she could call, The Safe Center LI. When the young man returned he glanced at me while I maintained my steely eye contact. They soon left and I smiled at her as she walked out.

As a DV survivor I’m hypersensitive to subtle acts of domestic violence. This situation brought up a painful memory. Twenty years ago at the height of mental & physical warfare directed at me by my then husband. I had a similar experience. I had been home all day healing from a severe bought of Shingles brought on by stress. My whole right side was covered in various stages of healing puss filled lesions attached to nerve endings. Which made it almost impossible to move without searing knife stabbing pain.

Later in the day I heard the front door opening which was never the greatest feeling. This time I heard grumbling from down the hall. A few moments later my husband appeared at the living room door shouting. Wondering why I didn’t let the dog out. I attempted to explain I had in the morning before a got myself into a “comfortable” position. With that he threw a handful of wet paper towels in my face which made me jump. This sudden movement not only scared me into jolting which ripped opened a few healing scabs. I then realized the towels were filled with dog pee. He then left to take the dog for a walk. As I lay there covered in dog urine stink and throbbing pain. I physically and mentally could not move. I felt so less than a human particularly someone who was supposed to be loved by my “husband”

As my mind returned to the present watching this young couple walk out, a part of me wanted to run after them as the hero. Yet, I knew after that pee towel throwing incident it would take me FIVE more years of torment, trauma, physical/emotional pain, and a few concerned spectators for me to find the courage to say, ENOUGH!!! I simply took a few moments to pray for the both to find their light home & heal enough to step away from a life of sorrow & possible death.